MARCH 4 1988

(The hotel radio is heard.)

Man one: Dr. Hotrod is embarrassed to, uh...give any advice.

Man two: I guess I gotta grow into it.

(The beginning strains of "Black is Black" are heard.)

Man two: We'll do this one out of the archives. Uh, Frank Zappa should be calling us here in a few minutes. So we'll talk to Uncle Frank.

(The organ hook of the radio pop tune is featured prominently.)

Man two: "Black is Black" on AM 1000.

MK: Hello, it's March 4 in Chicago, 'round quarter after one. And I'm standing by the radio waiting for Frank to call. He's calling a station called The Loop, AM 1000, here in Chicago. But I have enough time during this song to talk about yesterday. Yesterday, March 3 of course, started out when I went up to Scott's room and we listened to some music as we generally do, listened to some more Stravinsky, and then Chad showed up, and then the three of us took a cab to the Shedd aquarium and we looked at fish for about an hour. That was very entertaining. We were very hungry around two-o'clock, and we went and ate at a place called Berrigan's or Bennigan's or Berenger's or something like that, I think it's called Berrigan's or Bennigan's or Berenger's or something like that. I had a little individual-serving type pizza. And then we went to the Art Exh--- to the Chicago--- for just a little while, actually we only had time to look in the bookstore. Or at least we thought we only had time for that, when we walked to the Auditorium Theater at 4:00, which is normally when things are supposed to start. But in fact Frank didn't show up 'til 5:00, and the rest of the band didn't show up until almost 5:30, because things still weren't quite ready. And, um, so I just sat up in the seats, went up to the balcony and stuff, and it's a beautiful theater - the Auditorium Theater is a knockout of a theater. Probably the best we've done so far, in terms of both appearance and sound. I'm going to position myself by the radio again, and I'll tell you about the rehearsal and the show in a little while.

("La Grange" by ZZ Top is heard.)

Annoying voice: Yaw lissning to da Kevin Matthews show, live from Chicago! Call Kev, it's just a phone call away! 591-WLUP! I'm Jim Shorts! And dere's maw comin'! So please, don't go away, OK?

MK: OK. Frank isn't there on the radio just yet, so at rehearsal yesterday we practiced the Beatles medley, "What Kind Of Girl," "Filthy Habits," "Sinister Footwear," and "Jezebel Boy" which, although it's only been performed live once, the lyrics have already been changed to "Jessica Hahn." That still needs some work. And I had picked up a Chicago Reader in town, and I read that after soundcheck - my God, what's happening to the radio reception...

(The sounds of apocalypse are heard, interspersed with banging noises as I try to cajole the reception back into normality. To no avail.)

MK: Not good.

(Another minute of horrifying noise.)

MK: Not good. So anyway, the set yesterday consisted of, set one: "Black Page," "Turning Again," "Alien Orifice," "Any Kind Of Pain," "Why Don't You Like Me," the Beatles medley, "When The Lie's So Big," "Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk" and "Sofa." It was a very cool set; it was long and quite impressive, and Sting was in the audience and he thought it was great. Since Sting was there, Frank wanted all of us in the band to do the same artificial saxophone-playing gesture that Sting did during one of Branford Marsalis' solos in this Showtime TV special they did. But, before we had a chance to mock him, Sting came backstage to congratulate us after the first set, he thought it was fantastic, and Frank asked him to do something with us. Originally the idea was for him to come out and scat-sing during "Stolen Moments." But then, and I don't think anyone knew he was gonna do this, he came out and did a rap about Jimmy Swaggart, who had said a few years ago that the song "Murder By Numbers" was written and performed by the devil. And while we were playing "Stolen Moments" under him, Sting started singing "Murder By Numbers" and it was impressive. The audience, as you might expect, went completely insane. Frank apparently had met Sting - oh, here we go...

(Back to the radio.)

Kevin Matthews: Frank? Yoo hoo! Frank? Frank?

Frank: Hey, what's going on?

Kevin: How's my pal Foot-Foot?

Frank: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

Kevin: Frank Zappa.

Frank: What great music to wake up to.

Kevin: Yeah, it is. It's your morning wake-up. Although you've been in rehearsals, haven't you?

Frank: No. The rehearsals are 4:00 in the afternoon 'til 6:00, usually.

Kevin: Well, did the...the Limelight party? Did you go over there?

Frank: Sure did.

Kevin: Have fun?

Frank: Oh yeah. It was great.

Kevin: Last night's show was terrific.

Frank: Thank you.

Kevin: It was beyond terrific. It was the best show I've seen in years.

Frank: Well, you can thank Sting for that. It was fortunate that I met him yesterday.

Kevin: Yeah, now you, uh, I - I...during the break you, uh, you did, uh, the first portion and you came back, after the uh, after the uh, half-hour break, and I was still out in the lobby and I, I, I'm hearing "Murder By Numbers" and I'm going, "Why, that's, uh...Frank's really, uh...that sounds exactly like Sting!" Then I get in there and, uh, Sting's up on stage.

Frank: Yeah, well, it was kind of odd because I'd never met him before, and I just ran into him at the hotel yesterday and I invited him to the show, because they had a day off. He came down and he watched the first part of the show from the audience, and then during the intermission he came backstage and I asked him if he wanted to come out and do something with us. First he said no, he didn't think there was a way to do it, and I said "There's no way that you can lose, because this band will always make you look good." So I said we'll just make up what we're gonna do, and I gave him a yellow pad and a pen and I said, "Here, just write out what you're gonna do, and we'll do it." No rehearsal. So he did it.

Kevin: The band you've got, it's the biggest band you've gone on tour with, isn't it?

Frank: Well, the biggest I ever had was twenty pieces, but this is the largest I've had on the road for, like, the last fifteen years.

Kevin: They are so fantastic. Really, I'm not just doing that to kiss your ass or anything, but Frank, last night's show...I'm glad you had it at the Auditorium, the sound was great, the acoustics, and the band...it just, it made for a great night.

Frank: Yeah, well, you know, it's the best band in the world. There you go.

Kevin: It is! It is! And there are some seats available...

Frank: Well, the only thing is, they're really nasty seats, there's about 200 obstructed view seats, way up there in the top, some behind poles and stuff, but for anybody who wants to subject themselves to that sort of horror, it's available.

Kevin: Well, the one nice thing about the Auditorium is, the acoustics are so nice to listen to in the Auditorium, at least the sound'll be good.

Frank: Yeah, well, we have Harry Andronis, a Chicago native, to thank for that. He's our house mixer. He does a good job.

Kevin: I, uh...the tribute, I don't know if that's the right word, but the "Texas Motel"...

Frank: Heh heh heh heh.

Kevin: ...from last night - Frank, you've outdone yourself.

Frank: Heh heh heh!

Kevin: You've outdone yourself!

Frank: You know, we put that together in one afternoon.

Kevin: For those who don't know, the "Texas Motel" is done to the Beatles' "Norweigan Wood" and "Strawberry Fields Part Two"...

(1998 comment: I have no idea what he meant by "Part Two.")

Kevin: ...and it's a...would you call it...what would you call it?

Frank: Any oratorio (unintelligible). We did it because a lot of people already know those songs, you know, and at first it would be absurd to hear this band play "Norweigan Wood" and "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" and "Strawberry Fields." But then...that's how the thing got started, I thought it would just surprise people if we did it, so we started to rehearse 'em when we were in Detroit. And so I decided to rewrite the words to those songs and make it all about Jimmy Swaggart, so we took all the basic facts from the news story on Jimmy Swaggart and just changed the appropriate words, and came up with this medley that has been making people laugh so hard since we put it on stage, man, it gets an unbelievable response.

Kevin: "Louisiana Hooker With Herpes."

Frank: Yeah. "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" is "Louisiana Hooker With Herpes." It's a good singalong tune.

Kevin: Now are you gonna, uh, will that be available to play on radio stations?

Frank: Well, you know, last night's show was recorded 48-track digital; doing that thing with Sting, I told him that if he was interested in using the track for one of his albums he could do it, but...in order for someone else to play it it has to be mixed, and the recording truck we're carrying around with us doesn't have mix facilities in it, we can only record the stuff.

Kevin: I was gonna say, "Louisiana Hooker With Herpes," boy, what a great way to start the show off today with.

Frank: Well, you know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna see if I can have the engineer make a cassette of that medley.

Kevin: I appreciate that.

Frank: And who knows? We might have a regional breakout with "Louisiana Hooker With Herpes."

Kevin: We'll put it on Hot Rotation. Maybe it'll be on Casey Kasem's Top 40. (As Casey): Here's Frank Zappa with "Louisiana Hooker With Herpes"!

Frank: Yeah, well, I'd like to see Jimmy Swaggart on some heavy rotation.

Kevin: And "Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk." Beautiful. And "Stairway To Heaven", it looked like you were havin' a lot of fun.

Frank: Yeah, well, you know, we have fun with that band. Travelling around with, uh, eleven guys, you know, like we leave right after the show tonight and take an eight-hour bus ride to Cleveland, so it's a little bit like going to camp. Yeah, it's a blast.

(1998 comment: My heart is pretty damn close to breaking as I type this stuff.)

Kevin: And, uh, for those who, uh, can't get tickets, or aren't going to the Auditorium tonight, the League Of Women Voters has set up, uh, you can get information on how to register to vote if you're not registered as of yet.

Frank: Yeah. Can I say something else about that?

Kevin: Yeah.

Frank: I had a talk with some people from the League Of Women Voters in Boston, and one of the bigger surprises was to find out that you could actually join the Leauge Of Women Voters and become a volunteer and register other people to vote, and you don't even have to be a lady. One of the things that you people might want to get involved in, 'cause I think you do respond real well to the whole voter registration idea; I'm trying to register more voters in one day than have ever been registered before, on the Fourth of July.

Kevin: Sure. We'd love to help you.

Frank: Well, the way we're gonna do it is, we're trying to network all the public events in the United States on that day, under the banner of the American Voters' Convention. And the idea is that if we can get enough volunteers to register people, if we have people at every picnic, every parade, every fireworks thing, every sporting event, every concert, and there's enough registrars out there to do it, we could maybe sign up five million new voters in one day. The reason why this is important, too, is: if you think democracy is a good idea, then you have to look at some scientific facts. Democracy only works if the electorate truly represents the makeup of the population. Right now, the electorate doesn't; the people who go the polls and elect all the leaders and make all the decisions for ballot propositions are usually people who are different than people who listen to your radio station, in other words, people whose taste with which you might not agree. So, I think it's important that people from all walks of life be part of that sampling. That determines whether or not democracy is working. That's one of the reasons why I'm suggesting it to my audience at concerts. And, by the way, Sting is going to start registering voters at his concerts on the US tour. John Cougar Mellencamp is going to do it. And we have twelve other artists who have agreed to cooperate with the League of Women Voters to do this. Now with everybody from, uh, Kiss to John Cougar Mellencamp, we've really got an interesting variety here. And each group has a different kind of an audience. So I think it's the best way, if you think that democracy is a good idea, to make it work better.

Kevin: And your vote does count. I still run into so many people who say, "Well, it doesn't make any difference." And it does.

Frank: Well, if it didn't make any difference, why do these people make it so hard for you to register? You know, they really don't want you to - they, they're afraid of what would happen if the electorate truly represented the taste and the values of people other than the select few fanatics who have been making the decisions for the last eight years. See, the thing that you have to remember is: it's not just who you vote for for President, it's what you vote for on the local level. You have propositions on the ballot that affect your taxes, your pocketbook, things that happen right in your face, right in your own hometown. And you can't even vote on that unless you register. So the idea is just to make people aware that it's more than this horserace between the Republican guy and the Democratic guy, and you choose one and that's the end of the game. It's not. You have to keep working at it all the time. Otherwise you do not have the right to complain if you don't like the results.

Kevin: Right.

Frank: So. If anybody out there thinks this is a good idea, you might call the League of Women Voters and volunteer, find out what it would take to help them out to register other people, 'cause once your thirty-day rule is done, you know, there's a moratorium on registration for like the next thirty days or something like that, then they're gonna start registering again.

Kevin: I know you're real busy, but we'll stay in touch with your manager, and we'll give you a hand.

Frank: I appreciate it.

Kevin: So, you're on your way to Cleveland.

Frank: Well, we're playing again at the Auditorium tonight, then we're going to Cleveland, and after Cleveland we go to Columbus where I'm receiving, un...they're making me Honorary Secretary of State of Ohio.

Kevin: What are you gonna do with Ohio, Frank?

Frank: Well, I told 'em that I would accept this honorary award if I could participate in the foreign policy of the state of Ohio. I figured if there was any border disputes between Ohio and Kentucky that I could mediate, and the guy told me that Kentucky wasn't the problem, it was Pittsburgh.

Kevin: So that's coming up in the next two weeks?

Frank: No, that's, uh, three days from now is when that happens. And also "60 Minutes" is going to film that.

Kevin: Good for you. And congratulations on your Grammy.

Frank: Oh, thank you very much. Accidents will happen.

Kevin: Now, Dweezil was up for that same award, wasn't he?

Frank: Yeah.

Kevin: Now what was that like after you won the award? Did you have a talk with him?

Frank: Well, he sent me a telegram and congratulated me.

Kevin: Well, it's an outstanding show at the Auditorium. I really, I haven't been that entertained in years. So, there are some tickets available tonight, obscure, uh...

Frank: Obstructed.

Kevin: They're obstructed view seats, but it's well worth it. The sound at the Auditorium is, the way it's mixed, it really sounds nice out in the audience. And good luck with your tour, and please stay in touch, Frank.

Frank: I will, Kevin.

Kevin: OK. Thank you.

Frank: Bye bye.

Kevin: Bye bye.

(Led Zeppelin's "Stairway To Heaven" begins.)

Kevin: Frank Zappa tonight at the Auditorium and he does a beautiful, beautiful version of this song. Led Zeppelin and "Stairway To Heaven." Frank Zappa tonight at the Auditorium.

(A few more seconds of "Stairway.")

MK: Pretty good interview. Uh, Frank pretty much described what the Sting thing was about, so I don't have to go into that too much.

The second set consisted of "Stolen Moments" - slash - "Murder by Numbers," then Sting went away and we did "Ain't Got No Heart," "Love Of My Life," "City Of Tiny Lites," "Pound For A Brown" and "Stairway To Heaven." During the solo in "Stairway To Heaven" Frank ran off and got Sting, dragged him back on stage and the two of them did the fake saxophone motion during the solo. Then we went away. We came back and did "Whipping Post" and "Walrus," went away, came back and did "Catholic Girls" and "Crew Slut," went away, came back and did "Strictly Genteel." And during all of this, Sting was standing right offstage, looking very intently at the whole thing.

Very amazing night. If the guy on the radio was any indication, apparently it was very impressive to see.

After the show we went to the Limelight here in Chicago, and they were throwing a party much like the Limelight in New York City did. And the room that the band was supposed to stay in was this tiny, tiny dark little room upstairs where there was no room to walk, so I thought it would be more fun to go and talk to people, which I did, I spent about three hours talking to people. Answering questions galore and telling the "how I got in the band" story over and over and over again. Which is fine. I enjoy that. And then I got in the bus, came back here to the hotel, and, uh, that was it, basically. Woke up this morning and kind of laid around relaxing, listening to the radio waiting for Frank to come on, and doing this. And I talked to Viv and told her about Sting and she went "Ohhhhhh!" If only she had quit her job two weeks ago, she might have been here to see this, but maybe he'll pop up again later on the tour. But it was a lot of fun last night. And, uh, I'll talk to you later. 'Bye.

(1998 comment: Something I didn't mention about Sting: I talked to him backstage for a couple of minutes during the intermission and was struck by the fact that he admitted to being nervous about singing with us. He's one of less than a handful of people I've met whose charisma is absolutely undeniable, whose presence completely changes the energy in a room the moment they step in. One of the others, of course, was Frank.)

Next episode:
MARCH 5 1988

Last episode:
MARCH 3 1988